Never Destroyed
by clair beaubien
Summary: This is the first fanfiction I ever published, way back in 1999. Vin asks Ezra to write his mother's death in his family bible. It turns into so much more than that.


Vin waited well past midnight, sitting at a table in the corner of the was tired; if he didn't fight it, he'd fall asleep. But he was used to keeping alert no matter how tired he felt, so he sat, and he waited.

He was waiting for Ezra who'd been involved in a card game since well before midnight. Vin kept an eye on the game, waiting for the right moment that finally came at nearly 2am, long past when he would've normally found a place to sleep for the night.

As the last of Ezra's unhappy opponents muttered their way out into the darkness, Vin unfolded himself from the chair and wandered over. Ezra smiled when he saw Vin approaching him.

"Why Mr. Tanner, how very pleasant to see you. This is an odd hour for you, is it not?" Ezra checked his pocket watch. "Unless I have been engaged here until Dawn."

"I'se waiting - I wanted - to ask you something. Ask a favor of you..." Vin stood away from the table, looking at Ezra from under the brim of his hat.

"Of course, Mr. Tanner, anything that is in my power." Ezra motioned Vin to the closest chair. "How may I be of service?"

Vin hesitated, then sat down. Slowly, he reached inside his jacket and brought out his mother's bible. He set it on the table but held onto it with both hands.

"I wanted to know - would you - I saw there's a page in here - would you..." Finally he looked up at Ezra, he could barely say the words. _"I'd like my Ma's death put in here." _

Ezra didn't answer for a moment, he stared at Vin in surprise. Vin figured he'd asked too much and he drew the bible - and his burden - back. But Ezra put his hand on Vin's arm.

"_Vin _- I'd be honored, deeply honored. I'm surprised - I would've thought I'd be the last person you would ask for something so important, so personal."

Vin didn't meet Ezra's eyes.

"Well, I want it to be pretty - real pretty for her."

"I'm honored." Ezra said again. He pulled out a pencil and waited. "Vin?" He had to tap the table near the bible for Vin to understand.

Vin handed the bible over and Ezra very gently lifted it and found the lined page titled "_DEATHS_" in gaudy type. The page was empty. He lifted his pencil and looked at Vin expectantly, but Vin didn't know what he wanted.

"What was your mother's given name?" Ezra was unprepared for the stricken look he saw on Vin's face, how deep he flushed, a second before he ducked his head.

"...don't know..." Vin said it so softly, Ezra felt the pain more than heard it.

"Well..." Ezra continued calmly. "...you know Vin..." He spoke as gently as he was doing everything else in this situation. "...you could give her her name, something that reminds you of her..." He was encouraged and pained by the hopeful look when Vin turned his eyes back up to him. "What do you remember most about her?"

For the first time in their conversation, Vin smiled and Ezra saw a small boy looking out of his eyes, through years of pain and loneliness.

_"She loved me._" He sounded proud.

Ezra smiled back. If that was what mattered most to Vin, he doubted there'd be another choice. He searched his memory. "There is a Latin word that means love: Amata."

"Uhm - mah - dah?" Vin tried.

"That's right. Amata. I think that would be a lovely name for a loving mother. What do you think?"

Vin nodded.

"Ah - mah - tah." He played the word until it sounded to him the way Ezra said it. "You reckon that's where _Ma_ comes from - Amata? Y'know, _love_?" Ezra decided to skip the references to madre and matriach.

"Yes, I reckon it is." He smiled. He took his pencil and his utmost care and scribed onto the page "Amata Tanner." He looked up again. "Dates?" Vin was confused by the plural.

"What dates?"

"Birth and - well -" He hated to say it. " - death."

"She died when I was five." Vin said. "I don't know when she was born."

"All right, we don't really need a date of birth. She passed away when you were five..." Ezra wrote the year down, leaving room. "Do you know when exactly?"

"Late summer."

Ezra fought hard not to smile - Vin still had enough Native American in him to pinpoint broadly. He did some more calculating.

"Around this time of year?"

"Yeah, I reckon, 'round about..." Vin seemed to realize. "Ezra, I'se five years old. Even if there was a calendar around..." He was beginning to doubt the good sense of this. All he was finding out was how much he didn't know about his mother. "Ain't just the year good enough?" He was tired, he wanted to go away and go to sleep, and hope Ezra never told anybody.

Ezra watched Vin a moment in the darkening, quiet saloon. Vin stared at a gouge in the round table and worried it with his index finger. His face was still flushed.

"I have found, Vin, that in situations such as these it is a help and a comfort to have a fixed date..."

In the middle of the sentence, and wondering what con those words were coming from, an idea came to Ezra.

"Why don't we make it September 1st? That's a week from this Thursday. Perhaps we could have Josiah give a service for her, and afterwards we could have a wake."

Vin narrowed his eyes, trying to work his way through this sudden river of information: his mother's name, dates, a service and a wake...

"Hey boys!" Buck came in through the front doors, shrugging on his jacket and punching a crease out of his hat. "Sure is kickin' up out there..." He sat down next to Vin, and noticed the looks on their faces. "What's going on?"

Ezra waited a moment, but Vin didn't say anything, didn't even look up.

"Next Thursday is the anniversary of Vin's mother's passing." Ezra said gently and Buck immediately gave Vin's shoulder a comforting squeeze. Vin looked up at him and smiled his thanks. "We were just discussing the possibility of having a service and a wake in her memory...in her honor."

"Sounds good." Buck agreed, but saw Vin's face. "That okay with you Pard?"

"Yeah." Vin nodded, but a question sat behind his agreement. "You think Josiah'll do it?" If Vin's life was in danger, he wouldn't even think twice that Josiah would back him up. This he was not sure of.

"Hell, yeah..." But that didn't seem proper to be saying, so Buck changed on the fly. "Yeah, Josiah will be proud to do that for you, 'course he will..." He put his hand on Vin's shoulder again, "We'll all be there."

"Thanks." That word never really seemed to come out of Vin as anything but a whisper, not when it involved personal matters. Ezra finished the date and returned the bible to Vin. He looked at the page. His mother.

"It's really startin' to kick up out there." Buck said again. "Why don't you camp out at my place tonight Vin?" He winked. "I ain't gonna need it."

Vin nodded. They knew with his past and his instincts, he never slept in the same place twice in a row when he could help it. Not even in town. Not even with his friends.

"Thanks."

M7*M7*M7

Chris was startled and more annoyed by the knock on his door, and Buck came into his room.

"Shut up." Buck said abruptly. "I need to sleep here tonight."

M7*M7*M7

"Mr. Larabee, are you going to continue to stare at me in that odious manner, or do you think you might deign to respond to the information at hand?" Ezra had just informed Chris of the upcoming service for Vin's mother.

"What are you up to Ezra?" Chris asked, arms crossed against his chest. His voice was hard. He didn't for a minute think that Ezra was serious.

"I'm not up to anything."

Ezra was so intent on bringing this memorial service to fruition that he'd never considered not being taken seriously. His surprise sounded in his voice. Chris continued to stare at him.

"I assure you that I have only the utmost concern for Mr. Tanner and his -" But Ezra knew that, in his own way, Chris was every bit as solicitous of Vin as Buck was of JD. Maybe more; Buck never seemed to worry about JD's feelings so much. Ezra took the only route he thought Chris might respect.

"Mr. Larabee, I assure you that I am in no way 'up to' anything. But please, pay close attention and if you do indeed discover that I have been 'up to' something, you may mete out whatever justice you deem necessary in the circumstance...fair enough?" He waited for any response from Chris. None came. Ezra's tone turned just as hard. "I'm his friend as well, you know."

Chris narrowed his eyes as he weighed Ezra's sincerity "...and you know I'll do it." He walked away, leaving Ezra sighing and shaking his head.

Vin could hear Chris and Ezra - well, _talking _wouldn't be the word he'd use. Chris and Ezra never seemed to _talk_. They only seemed to spit information at each other. Vin was cross-legged in the straw of an empty stall at the livery stable. He had the bible open in his lap, staring at his mother's page. He would've been surprised to know that he'd been staring at it over an hour.

He heard Ezra's footsteps go one way down the wooden sidewalk, and Chris' come the other way - toward the livery, all fired up to talk sense into him about trusting Ezra, Vin knew.

Chris found Vin, but at first didn't even think it was him - Vin had no hat, no jacket on, just sitting, staring at a page in a book. Chris thought he must be working on some reading Mary had given him. Then he saw Vin run the back of his hand over his eyes.

"Vin?"

It didn't startle Vin at all, he took his time looking up.

"Hey Chris. Heard you comin'..." He looked even younger sitting there, bareheaded, dirt smudged across his face. He smiled. "Heard you dickerin' with Ezra too...you ever gonna trust him Chris?"

Chris didn't answer that. He sat himself down on a bale of hay across from Vin. "What have you got there?" For a second it seemed that Vin would hug the small volume to himself and not offer it up, but after that second, he slowly lifted it toward Chris.

"My Ma." he said simply.

Chris took the bible and turned it around so the page was right side up.

"You write this?" He asked, ready to overcome his taciturn nature and actually offer a compliment. This was good handwriting - perfect even. Mary was a good teacher or Vin was a fast learner. But Vin blew that right away.

"Me? Pfff. Ain't me. Ezra - he wrote it for me. He did a right nice job of it too." Chris didn't answer. "You think?"

"He got more up his sleeve than this memorial service Vin? Ezra ain't one to go out of his way to help other people. Not for no reason."

Vin held his hand up for the bible and Chris gave it back.

"Chris - Ezra can swindle me six ways from Sunday from now on, it don't matter." He nodded to the page. "_I got this_."

M7*M7*M7

Ezra had no better luck when he informed Nathan and Josiah of the plans. He found them at the saloon, sharing a table. They didn't give Ezra the hard look Chris had, but their faces expressed the same disbelief.

"Vin don't know exactly the date his Ma died." Nathan said. "Chris told me."

"Yes, well, we've overcome that slight -"

"Still, it's better to have one day that you can expend your grief on." Josiah said. "Rather than doling it out to yourself a little every day."

"That, Mr. Sanchez, is exactly - well nearly exactly - what I expressed to Mr. Tanner early this morning when -"

"Still -" Nathan went on. "Knowing that it probably ain't the exact date - don't you think he'll still be dolin' that grief out?"

Josiah considered this. "Well, that's possible but if we can give Vin even one firm day, dedicated solely to the memory of his mother..."

Ezra tried to break in. "So then, are you in agreement that -"

"...I think it would go a long way to ease that pain inside of him."

Nathan nodded, agreeing with Josiah. "Yeah. I see what you mean...it ain't so much the day but that he feels like he's got permission to grieve..."

"Gentlemen." Ezra raised his voice to be heard. When he had their attention, he went on. "May I gather then, Mr. Sanchez, that you are amenable to conducting the service for Mr. Tanner's mother?"

Josiah looked as though he'd been wounded. "Why Ezra, I thought I'd made that clear..."

Ezra walked away, sighing & shaking his head.

M7*M7*M7

"What happened to you?" JD asked from behind his desk at the jail. Buck turned his head a few different ways, trying to find a position that didn't twinge his neck.

"Slept on a hard bed last night." He pulled over a chair to sit with his feet up on the desk. "Now, what was you saying about a marker?"

"I think we ought to get one for Vin's Ma. I know we ain't got her body, but you know how Mrs. Travis goes out there to the cemetery and just sits by her husband's marker. Even if his Ma ain't really here, Vin might like something - I don't know, something he can touch."

"That's a right bright idea, JD...I'm glad I thought of it." Buck leaned his head back over the chair, seeking some relief from his stiff neck. JD stood up, on his way out to talk to the Undertaker about the marker. He pulled his hat on and paused by Buck long enough to say:

"Smart fella like you I guess can afford to pay for it then..." and he walked out. Buck sat upright in surprise and intending to go after JD, but a bolt of pain shot down his spine and by the time he'd recovered enough to look for the kid, JD had already put the small stone cross on Buck's tab.

M7*M7*M7

It was late afternoon; the heat and the brightness of the day were wearing off. The air inside the saloon stood still, strung with layers of dust and cigar smoke. Even the voices of the patrons and the noise of the street outside seemed stifled. Vin made a quick search of the saloon for Chris before he went in - Chris was still on a tear about Ezra and the memorial service. Vin didn't need to see him - didn't _want _to see him.

His eyes did a second sweep. Of his friends, only Josiah and JD were at the bar. No Chris. Vin sat at a far table and was about to take the Bible out of his jacket again when Josiah moved from the bar and sat down with him. Vin was glad of the company, but the Bible stayed where it was.

"Josiah -" Vin nodded in greeting.

"Vin...I've been planning the service for your mother. I want to do a reading at the cemetery, and I was hoping you would allow me to use your mother's Bible for that..."

Vin pulled his hands off the table and sat back in the chair. He wanted to say no, but it seemed such an appropriate gesture to use her Bible.

"..._guess so_..." His voice was soft.

"If you'll bring it to the cemetery, I'll give it right back over to you when I'm done. I won't hold it on you Vin. It'll never be out of your sight."

Josiah understood that Vin would fear losing it - that Bible was the last connection he had to his mother. But, Josiah knew, a woman with a Bible had to have had a favorite passage. He figured Vin wouldn't remember it, so he hoped to find a tell-tale worn and well-used page that would signify the one he should read for her.

Vin nodded. "...'kay."

"Thank you." Josiah smiled.

Outside they heard the voices of Chris and Ezra. Arguing. The first words that sounded clearly as they approached belonged to Chris:

"..._and I want to know what you're up to._" Chris said as they came through the saloon doors. After the almost unreal stillness that had preceded them, his voice was too loud and too sharp.

Ezra had a pinched, irritated look on his face. Both Vin & Josiah knew he was fed up with Larabee's witch hunt, but he'd remained calm in the face of the onslaught. Now, even though Ezra kept his voice low and even, his friends knew a storm was breaking.

"You know, Mr. Larabee..." Ezra was calm, and deadly. "Your references to my - granted, dubious - personal history of relationships is quite incongruous, don't you think? After all, there have been times when you yourself have shown great compassion - even tenderness - to those around you that you have found to be in need of solace. You have even been known to spend sleepless nights by the sickbed of one or more of our own compatriots, when the need has arisen.

"Yet not once, Mr. Larabee -" Ezra was pissed and it was beginning to show. His voice was calm but getting louder. " - not once has any of us, myself included, felt it necessary to point out that, despite these ephemeral moments of compassion, you can be a surly drunk who is determined to be at odds with the entire rest of humanity because, as we are all reminded - _daily_ - you are the only man in history to have been dealt a cruel hand by fate.

"Not one of us, myself included, has ever felt it necessary to openly express our utter disbelief that you could put aside your normally, shall we say, porcupine-like regard for any other living soul and be found actually caring about someone other than yourself.

"Therefore, Mr. Larabee..." Ezra spat the name as though it was bitter in his mouth. "...I personally find it reprehensible that you feel you must continually drag up my past whenever I attempt to do something even marginally selfless for any other person. As I have stated before, Vin Tanner is my friend as well as yours...I'm doing this for him - not for personal gain, but because not one other of you would've ever thought of it..." He headed back outside but stopped at the door and turned one last time, not even trying to disguise his rage.

"And you sir, by no means have a monopoly on concern for any one of these gentleman." And he left.

Vin was embarrassed to hear the tirade, embarrassed to be what it was about. He stared at the table. He was pissed too, at Chris. He knew Chris was trying to protect him - but Lord, from what? He'd been an orphan, a runaway, a buffalo hunter, a bounty hunter, a white man among Indians, shot, stabbed, how many broken bones? and now a bounty on his head. What in the hell did Chris think he was protecting him from?

Chris turned finally from staring in utter amazement at Ezra's wrath. When he saw Vin & Josiah, he started to walk toward them, but Vin couldn't stand to be in the same town with him anymore, let alone the same three square feet. He stood up abruptly.

"Vin -" Chris was determined to reason with him again.

"_Don't_." Vin's voice was hard and rough. It caught Chris off guard.

"Don't what?"

"God, Chris - ain't nobody ever right but you?" Vin couldn't think of any other way of saying it: "_I want this_."

He hadn't been sure, when Ezra first suggested the memorial service, but now Vin wanted it for his Ma like he'd never wanted anything in his life.

"I want this - and I swear Chris, if you make Ezra not do this, if you make him sorry he done it for me -" Now his voice shook. He wanted to threaten Chris but couldn't think of a threat bad enough to hurt him. "I swear I'll never forgive you." Then he pushed past Chris and headed out to find Ezra.

Josiah had no trouble keeping the amused look off of his face as he saw the enraged look Chris had on his own. But Josiah was amused that the angry mother bear had just been sideswiped by the very cub she'd been trying to protect. So, even though his face was neutral, the humor showed in his eyes. Chris saw it.

"What?" Chris demanded.

Avoiding the real answer to that question, Josiah took a breath.

"Chris, he's young, but it ain't like he's a dullard you've got to drag out of the way of danger. Vin's not book smart, but he knows people, knows 'em well enough to have lived this long. You don't think he'd see Ezra a mile off?"

Chris dragged out a chair and sat across from Josiah. "I know..." He sighed. He bent his head down and ran his hand through his hair, then rubbed the back of his neck.

"I know you care about him Chris. Shoot, if Buck wasn't forever fussin' over JD, I expect the fussin' you do over Vin would be more noticeable. But fussin' makes JD feel protected - done with too strong a hand, it frets Vin."

"I can't see him get hurt, Josiah..."

"Keep an eye on him Chris, by all means. Watch his back. But don't keep that hand too heavy on him or you're liable to suffocate him."

M7*M7*M7

"Really? A porcupine?" Buck was delighted with JD's description of the dressing down Ezra had given Chris. JD had slipped out of the saloon when Chris sat down with Josiah, and now he was retelling the adventure to Buck and Nathan on the porch of the jail. "To his face? Ezra called Chris Larabee a porcupine - to his face?"

"Yep, said a whole bunch of other words that sounded pretty bad too...big words, y'know? Ezra was _so_ mad..." JD had his jacket hung on his sidearm, and he pushed his hair back off his forehead.

"I bet Chris was pritnear close to apoplexy when he heard that." Nathan said.

"Well, if you mean his face got real red and his eyes looked like they'd pop right out for surprise, then he got as close as he could and still be standing." JD laughed.

"Oh I wished I'd been there." Buck said. "I never thought anybody'd have the guts to say it to his face."

"Who woulda though it'd be Ezra though?" Nathan asked. "Never thought I'd see him risk dying for something like this."

"Ezra didn't come close to dying..." JD was confused. He wondered if he'd mis-told the story, of if Nathan had heard wrong. But Nathan put his hand on JD's shoulder and bent down slightly.

"You think on that story again JD, what Ezra said and how Chris looked, then tell me you don't think Ezra came this close -" He held thumb and forefinger a hair apart "- to dyin'..."

JD did think on it. "Yeah I guess you're right..." They laughed, and had JD repeat the story again.

M7*M7*M7

Vin searched for Ezra, and finally found him in the alley beside Josiah's church, pacing grimly, vilifying Chris Larabee in a dozen ways he hadn't thought of at the saloon. Vin watched a moment, and thought to turn away. But this was all getting out of hand and he knew he had to put an end to it. _The end_.

"Ezra?"

When he heard his name, Ezra stopped abruptly. He seemed embarrassed to see Vin. He took a breath and looked at the mud of the street around him, as though the exact words he needed now might be found there.

"Mr. Tanner - I had intended to call upon you - _later_ - to offer my utmost apologies for my histrionics at the saloon. It was ill-mannered of me to allow my - _discussion _- with Mr. Larabee to rage in public - much less in your presence. I hope that I in no way offended you..."

"You don't have to do this Ezra." Vin finally said the words he knew would end the arguing.

"Of course I must apologize. Mr. Larabee may have the manners of a peahen but I assure you that I - "

"No Ezra. I mean -" Vin hated to say it, but he said it. "I mean the service for my Ma. You don't have to go ahead with it. It ain't worth the ruckus." He stared at the mud too. But all that stared back at him was everything he'd ever wanted and had to do without because it wasn't important to someone else.

"Vin..." Ezra moved toward him. "Of course I'm going ahead with it. Chris and I may disagree on the finer points of my motives, but of course we're going ahead with it..."

Vin shook his head. How many times had he said these next words, to ease the conscience of whoever stood between him and whatever he wanted that they didn't think he needed.

"It's okay Ezra..." Even for all the times he'd said them, the words stuck in Vin's throat. "_I don't want it no more_..." He shifted his feet in the mud and waited for the relieved answer that would come from Ezra. Instead, he sensed Ezra straightening his posture. His voice, when he spoke, was firm and dismayed.

"Why Mr. Tanner, I am deeply wounded that you hold my courage in such low regard that you think one small eruption from our own dear Mr. Larabee would send me scurrying for cover. I assure you, I am going ahead with your mother's service. Nothing would give me more joy."

But Vin knew Ezra was lying. He had to be lying. This was too important to Vin, and things this important always blew up, sooner or later. He shook his head, and still didn't look up.

"No Ezra, it don't matter."

Ezra put his hand on Vin's arm and said, quite earnestly: "On the contrary Vin, there is nothing I can think of that matters more."

M7*M7*M7

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Dammit boy

- you trying to burn me alive?" Buck howled as JD dropped the hot towel across the back of his stiff neck. They were in the clinic, waiting for Nathan to come back.

"Nathan said to put it on hot - -" JD had just taken the towel out of a kettle of scalding water, and only briefly wrung it out.

"This hot? _Ow!- JD - quit it_...!"

JD ignored Buck and draped a dry towel over the wet one and across Buck's head. "You're the one's been complaining about having a stiff neck Buck...I thought you said it was getting better anyway. What happened?"

Buck pulled the dry towel off and glared at JD. "Well it was getting better, 'til you told me how much that marker's gonna cost me. Hell, anybody'd get a stiff neck hearing an amount like that."

"Relax Buck. I told you we're all pitching in on that..." The rest of the seven had put their share in without even being asked.

"Yeah - coulda told me that before you told me the price..." Buck grumbled. JD gave a short laugh, then they were quiet a few minutes. Buck sat in the hard chair and let the heat work into his spasmed muscles. JD wandered the little room, fingering books and shaking bottles of tincture.

"Still..." Buck rolled his shoulders and turned his head a few ways. "...it was real nice of you to get a stone marker JD. I wouldn't 'a thought of it." His remark warmed JD no end and he smiled broadly.

"Well...it lasts, y'know?" His expression became serious. "I figure Vin'll remember his Ma the rest of his life, the marker oughta last at least that long."

"You done good JD." Buck said and draped the extra towel over his neck again. "...damn glad Vin's Ma didn't have a real long name..."

M7*M7*M7

"Mr. Larabee - I believe you and I have been working at cross purposes." Ezra said, as he took a seat opposite Chris at the table. Mindful of Vin's parting words, Chris chose a safe response.

"I know this is important to Vin..."

"Josiah has just informed me that not ten minutes ago, Mr. Tanner was quite explicit in relating exactly how important this is to him."

"Yeah, he sure was..._explicit_."

"Would it surprise you to know that not five minutes later, Vin told me to forget it, he doesn't want it anymore? That this service for his mother 'don't matter'?"

"What?" Chris was surprised. "Why would he say that?"

Ezra shrugged.

"Sometimes it's easier to disappoint yourself than to hurt someone else. Perhaps Mr. Tanner simply wearied of our war...I have informed him that not even you could keep me from going ahead as planned...but for his sake, for Vin - Chris I believe we must do more than simply not quarrel over this."

Chris nodded, chewing on the inside of his lip. "Do you know which way he headed?"

M7*M7*M7

Vin sat underneath a scraggy tree at the edge of the cemetery. Sometimes it was worse getting what you wanted. They made you regret what you'd forced out of them till you hated it too. The hollowing pain that ripped at him inside his chest scared him. That was the pain that always pushed him to ride on, start over someplace nobody knew him. The times that he couldn't ride away from the pain were the times it pushed him to -.

Vin jumped at a sudden footstep behind him.

"Vin?" Chris was surprised - dismayed - that he'd managed to unintentionally sneak up on the usually alert tracker. "Ezra told me you came out this way."

"He tell you that before or after you took his head off?" Vin meant to say it with amusement, but it was like walking through mud. He had no energy.

Chris walked over and hunkered down in front of his friend. Sometimes the words he needed most to say were the words hardest to find.

"I worry about you Vin...I worry about you getting hurt."

"Hell Chris, ain't much left can be done to me for the first time..."

"Not physical maybe. But I'd hate to see your trust broken Vin. I know you don't trust easy. I know there's trust you haven't given me." _Yet_. Chris wanted to say _yet_, but didn't want to push it.

"I trust you with my life." Vin pointed out.

"There's things more important to a man than his life sometimes..." He waited for Vin to answer, watched him turn his eyes to the wooden markers that dotted the rocky ground.

"I just thought it'd be nice. Having a service. Thought it'd be like having her back with me a spell." He shook his head. "I miss her so much, Chris. It hurts so bad, sometimes I wish -" But he couldn't say that. He'd never said it to anybody.

"You wish you could be with her..." Chris supplied. It didn't surprise or shock him. He knew the feeling intimately.

Vin was surprised, but not surprised, that Chris would understand. He nodded. "Thought about it a lot of times..." He said it to another living soul for the first time in his life. "...came close a lot of times too. Either deliberate, or not caring who I was with or what I was doing. A lot of times."

"I never meant for Ezra not to do this for you Vin. I just wanted him to be sure to be careful how and why he was doing it..."

"And you couldn't just say that to him?" Vin felt a little humor stirring in him again. "Couldn't just ask him nice'n polite, then wait for an answer? Not make up your mind beforehand and supply the answer yourself?"

He smiled, finally. Chris smiled too and ducked his head.

"You know how hard it is to understand most of what Ezra says, even when I ain't riled." He looked up again. Serious. "I appreciate you telling me - about missing your Ma so much. You ever - you ever feel that way again, you come talk to me, you hear? That's a lonely, terrible place to be in all by yourself. And you ain't all by yourself no more Vin. You remember that."

Vin felt tears filling his eyes and he realized that the hollow pain inside of him was being taken over by something he was unfamiliar with, something he couldn't put his hands on right now.

"I'll try to remember."

Chris smiled again. He could see the puzzle of emotions that Vin was dealing with play out across his face, but knew how hard Vin was trying to conceal them. He'd earned one trust out of Vin just now, he didn't intend to push for more.

"C'mon, almost suppertime. Arguin' with Ezra always makes me hungry." They got to their feet.

"Hell, Chris, you must be just about starved to death..."

M7*M7*M7

The chair that Vin sat in outside the jail creaked ominously as he tilted it back to put his feet up on the railing. It held though, and he crossed his hands over himself and watched the section of street in front of him. His eyes took in the townspeople, going about their early morning business through the haze of dust kicked up by the all the traffic, but his mind went over the words he was trying to form to thank Ezra. It was taking a long time to string them all together and he wasn't happy with the results.

'_Ezra_...' Vin tried to picture himself talking to Ezra after the service. Somewhere alone, where no one would hear him stumble over words he wasn't used to thinking, much less saying. _'...nobody ever, since my Ma died, made me feel - 'cause I'se an orphan - that I ought to or was even allowed to think on her dying and for the longest time I figured maybe I done something bad that made her leave me and so when you asked if I wanted to have a service for her it was like something that nobody ever...' _

Vin rubbed his eyes. Even to himself, he was blathering. How would he ever say what he meant out loud? If it was anybody else he was going to thank, he'd ask Ezra for help. Since it was Ezra he was thanking, he couldn't ask Chris, and sometimes Josiah was even harder to understand than Ezra. Vin didn't think Buck or JD would be any help at all.

He decided to ask Nathan. He let the chair down carefully, and made his way to Nathan's clinic. The door was open, but he knocked anyway. Nathan's back was to him, sitting at his desk, writing into a journal. Nathan turned when he heard the knock.

"Vin? Everything okay? C'mon in." Nathan stood and went past Vin to shut the door for privacy. Vin didn't look as spry as he usually did. "You feeling all right? C'mon over and sit down..."

"No Nathan, it's - I'm okay. I just wanted to ask you a question."

"Sure." Nathan resumed his chair, and Vin sat on the edge of the bed. His fingers twisted the quilt and he had to search his mind for the words he needed to ask for the words he needed say. Vin was normally such a still figure, he must be anxious to be fidgety. Nathan let him have the moments of silence.

"I want to thank Ezra, for having this service for my Ma, only I don't know all the real nice words I oughta use to say it to him. I don't want it to not be fancy enough for him, y'know? I want him to know how much it means to me. All I know is plain words. If I tell you what all I want to say to him, y'think maybe you could, y'know - - _help me_...?"

Those last two words came out so hard.

"Vin, you know I'll do anything to help you." Nathan told him. "But Ezra don't need to be thanked in fancy words. It'll mean more to him in your own words, no matter how plain they are. That'll mean more to him than all the fancy words in the world."

"You think so?" Vin had to know. "I don't want him not to know how much this means."

Nathan smiled. "He'll know Vin. Ezra can be prickly on the outside, but for all that, though he don't want folks to know, he's got a big heart on the inside. I expect it'll cheer him no end to know how much his help means to you."

"He called Chris a porcupine." Vin said, for no other reason than to share his disbelief.

"I know, JD told us. Yet Ezra lives to annoy Chris another day...y'know Chris was only worried that Ezra would take this just so far then drop the whole thing. He didn't want you getting hurt."

"I know, he told me..." Vin bent his head so that his eyes were hidden behind his hat brim. "...Nathan? You ever want something so bad, real bad and when you got it, it wasn't what you thought it would be?"

"Hell, yeah." Nathan regarded the top of Vin's hat; he didn't look up. "All my life, growing up, the thing I wanted most was freedom, for me and my folks. Thought life would be perfect if I got that. I was young, young enough to think that all I needed was my freedom and everything would be fine...didn't turn out that way."

He paused, long enough for Vin to finally look up at him. His eyes were dark and tired. Just the expectation that this service might not work out was taking a toll on him. Though Nathan trusted Ezra to follow through, he still found himself praying that everything turned out well for Vin's sake.

"Ain't it enough? Just being free?" Vin asked. Being free was what usually mattered the most to him.

"Being free don't get me treated any better by a lot of white folks than I was treated as a slave. Got me treated worse sometimes 'cause they didn't have to worry about paying my master for damaging his 'property'." Nathan saw Vin blink hard, trying not to remember things he'd seen in his life. "You worried Ezra won't keep his word?"

Vin dropped his head again. "...'fraid nobody'll come."

So that was it - not that the memorial service wouldn't take place, but that no one else would care enough to show up. Nathan found himself regarding Vin's hat again; a slight tremor ran through the young man's body. Though Nathan knew that all the rest would be there, he made no promises for them.

"I'll be there." he said firmly. This seemed to satisfy Vin, who looked up at him, his quest for 'fancy' words forgotten.

"_Thank you_."

M7*M7*M7

The morning of the appointed day, Vin showed up at Ezra's room.

"Ah Mr. Tanner. Thank you so much for coming..." Vin had obviously taken a bath, and his clothes were clean, but Ezra had foreseen a potential problem: people in town dressed in their best for these things - Vin's "best" was the one shirt he owned that had never had a tear in it.

"Ezra." Vin came into the room. He was still working on how to thank Ezra and hoped maybe he'd have the chance now, when they were alone.

"I asked you to come here before we go to the cemetery..." Ezra knew he was taking a chance. Vin was proud, though not necessarily about his appearance, not to Ezra's standards anyway. But he wanted to try. "I was wondering if I might persuade you to change into something a little more -" He tried not to sound insulting, and he didn't mean to be insulting. " - in keeping with the tone of the whole affair...?"

Vin followed his gesture to the suit of clothes laid out on the bed. He bristled. So this was why Ezra asked him to come here.

"I don't take charity and I don't like hand-me-downs." Vin was hurt and he was angry. All the nice things he'd been thinking about what Ezra was doing for him nearly got washed away in the rush. "If I ain't good enough like I am - for my own Ma's service - then I'm sorry you went to all this trouble Ezra. But I ain't takin' hand-me-downs, no more, not ever again."

Ezra had lived through his own carousel of useless hand-me-downs and less-than-Christian charity as a child. He moved closer to Vin, but stopped when Vin flinched.

"I appreciate your sentiments Mr. Tanner. I too, in my youth, have been the recipient of rags passed off as raiment, and charity that took more from my soul than gave to my body...I assure you, this is neither charity nor hand-me-downs. For one thing, you will be required to give them back..."

Vin seemed to find the humor intended in that, but he shook his head.

"Wouldn't feel right Ezra. I'd feel peculiar knotty wearing a rig like that."

For once - though Ezra followed Vin's train of thought - for once he couldn't say that he knew the exact translation of what Vin had said.

"All right then. It's a little early, but we can start over to the cemetery." Ezra decided right then that if the discrepancy became too acute, he'd take off his jacket and make his attire as casual as possible. He was sure that their compadres would - well - _follow suit_.

They made their way down the stairs from the hotel to the saloon. They'd only made it down a few stairs when they saw Billy come running into the saloon, followed closely and hotly by his mother.

"Billy! You come back here! _This instant_!" And when Mary finally caught up with him, he was safe in the arms of Chris.

"I don't want to. Why do I have to? Chris - I don't have to get all sissied up do I? How come I got to get all sissied up?"

Vin didn't move and Ezra stood beside him. Their friends in the saloon didn't even know they were there. Vin noticed that Mary was in her good black dress, Billy was in most of his good suit, even Chris was cleaned up and looked set for Sunday service. Chris set Billy on the floor and bent down to meet the boy eye to eye.

"Now Billy, you know that Vin's our friend. And this is real important to him. He lost his Ma when he wasn't even as old as you are and all this time he's never had the chance to say goodbye to her and have his friends around when he grieved for her. So we get dressed up in our best because we want to show how much we care about Vin, and how much it hurts us that he lost his Ma. We get dressed up because this is important."

Vin sighed and looked at Ezra, who was as embarrassed as though he'd scripted the little drama. But finally he had to meet Vin's eye.

"I'm sorry." Vin said and started back up the stairs. When he was gone, and enough moments had passed that the duration of their presence wouldn't be obvious, Ezra walked down another stair or two and called out:

"Mr. Larabee - would you convey to the assembled that Mr. Tanner and I will be only momentarily delayed? There's just one more little detail that has to be attended to."

In fifteen minutes Vin was uncomfortably fitted out in a complete black suit, right down to the boots. Complete except "_I ain't gonna wear none of your hats..."_ But he combed his hair pretty well and would go bareheaded. Even he had to admit that his own hat didn't go with these clothes.

He looked at himself in the mirror. The clothes were too big, and the boots were too small. '_Figures_.' Vin thought to himself, but was surprised that he didn't look as peculiar as he thought he would. Still, he silently fretted all the way to the cemetery, clutching his mother's Bible in his hands. The streets seemed emptier than normal so no one really saw him, and thank God only his friends would be at the cemetery. He'd get some ribbing from them, but only good-natured.

They rounded the trees at the edge of the barren little patch of ground - and Vin froze. The rest of the Seven stood at the marker, and next to them Mary and Billy. But - Vin couldn't catch his breath - beyond and beside them were Nettie and Casey, Mrs. Potter and her children, Judge Travis, Buck's assorted lady friends, and more townspeople that Vin hadn't even thought knew he existed. If Ezra hadn't gently urged him forward with a hand on his back, Vin would've stayed frozen to the spot.

Chris moved aside slightly, indicating that Vin should stand next to him. On the other side, Buck took a step to the left, letting Ezra stand beside Vin, who stared hard and determined at the ground. Josiah stepped up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. Vin didn't raise his head.

"Vin? Are you all right son?" Vin nodded stiffly. Josiah hated to distress him anymore, but he asked softly "Is it all right if I use you mother's Bible?" Another stiff nod, and a few more seconds before Vin lifted the beloved book up to Josiah. He didn't raise his eyes off the scattered pebbles at his feet.

"Friends, family..." Josiah began. "We meet today to honor the memory of Amata Tanner, a good woman, and a loving mother. She left this world too soon, too young, but she also left the world a strong, loving son who we are blessed to have in our midst..."

Vin stopped listening. That hollowing pain was rearing its head, and the comfort he couldn't define was losing the battle to take over. His body was set to run and if he couldn't escape on the outside, he'd escape to the inside. He lifted his eyes from the rocky ground and fixed them on the stone marker that Josiah stood next to. "Amata Tanner. Loving Mother."

His mother.

As Josiah spoke to the assembled, he held Vin's Bible so that it fell open on its own, and he spied the dark smudges of fingerprints at one particular passage. He smiled when he saw it. If this wasn't Vin, nothing was.

"Before we end here today, I'd like to read a passage from Amata Tanner's Bible - a passage she referred to many times."

He glanced at Vin, but couldn't tell if the young man was listening or not. He cleared his throat and held the Bible in a more comfortable position as he read:

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels...we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken..."

Vin's attention picked back up when he heard Josiah reading the verse. He paid close attention. It started out vaguely familiar, but grew more so. As the final line was read, he heard himself saying it out loud along with Josiah.

"_We are struck down - but never destroyed_." How long had that passage been buried in him?

The others were surprised when Vin spoke. Josiah smiled again when Vin met his eyes, surprised himself by the sound of his own voice. Surprised too, as the memory of his mother reciting that passage rushed at him so fast and hard that it was almost a physical blow. Vin hadn't felt her so close to him in years. He bent his head down again to wipe away the tears that fell.

Ezra didn't care that Vin brushed his tears on the sleeve of his borrowed coat; he envied Vin a mother that he could cherish even twenty years after her death. He put his hand on Vin's shoulder. Chris too noticed Vin's state and looked to Josiah who nodded, and brought the service to it's conclusion.

"Eternal rest grant unto her O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon her, may she rest in peace."

He closed the Bible. "Now, if you fine folk will head over to the church, where these gracious ladies have organized an elegant repast, we'll join you as soon as Mr. Tanner has had a moment..."

The assembled moved off, holding their condolences till later, and the six men gathered around their friend as he cried for his mother.

M7*M7*M7

"They're real good men, Ma. They look out for me...we look out for each other." Vin was crouched in front of the marker. As he talked, he reached out occasionally to touch his mother's name. "I can hear you now Ma. Real clear. I'm remembering a lot of things I guess you used to say to me, how I'se eating you outta house 'n home, and it seemed like I could talk to anybody. Something about apples and orchards I don't rightly recall yet...I guess you hardly recognize me in these duds, hunh? They're Ezra's. He did up this whole thing for you...for me, I reckon. I been trying to think of a way to thank him, only I don't got the words. But I'm trying."

He reached out one more time to touch the marker.

"I'll be back, Ma. I promise I won't ever go so far that I can't come back."

He hugged the Bible to himself with the other hand. The sun was low in the sky and the shadows dragged long across the ground. Vin heard the footsteps as the shadow crossed the marker. Chris was coming to get him. He got to his feet and turned around, brushing the sleeve across his eyes one last time.

"I'm ready." he said.

"No, I ain't here to hurry you Vin. Just wanted to know if you'd like more time. The others are already gone to the church. I'll go too, if you want me to." Chris looked into Vin's face, eyes red and tired, but grateful.

"No, I'm ready to head over. Ma 'n me, we can talk anytime."

"Okay." They fell into step together back to the church, where they were met by the sight of Buck sitting on the steps, being closely attended by Nathan and JD.

"I said I'm all right." Buck protested as Nathan tried to get a better look at his torn sleeve and scraped elbow.

"Yeah, you're all right now." Nathan said. "Don't expect any sympathy when this gets infected and swells up like a brute. Keep still now, there's slivers in there I gotta get out."

"What happened?" Chris asked.

"Nothing!" Buck insisted but JD answered.

"That chair at the jail, on the porch. Buck sat in it and it just plumb broke underneath him."

Chris smiled at Buck, who glared back at him. Vin's face went absolutely stone blank, but he blinked rapidly a few seconds. "_Oh_." Was all he could say, thinking how close he'd come himself to disaster in that chair. Buck mistook the disguised mirth for sorrow. Despite the pain of Nathan digging the slivers out, he asked Vin,

"You okay Pard? Seems like it's been a hard day on you."

"I'm okay Buck." And it was the truth. Vin headed up the steps into the church, Chris followed. People were standing and talking in the hushed tones that funerals and sacred ground inspired. Eyes and smiles and sympathy turned his way. Nettie came over first and wrapped Vin in a warm, hard hug.

"Life's hard sometimes son." She said as she held him. "Just remember all the friends you got here today."

"I will Nettie."

She kissed him and stepped aside for Casey, who had no words but only pumped his hand in a rough grip before she impulsively hugged him too.

Judge Travis solemnly shook his hand. "You're a good man Vin. Your mother would be proud of you."

"Thank you Judge."

Josiah came to stand on one side of Vin with Chris on the other. The borrowed boots were too small and his feet hurt. All Vin wanted to do was sit down and take them off. He was baffled by the stream of people who came to him to offer condolences and remarks. Vin had never been in a receiving line before, didn't know they had such things. He wasn't expecting all the attention.

The stream of mourners continued, till finally the ladies of the town had bestowed more kisses and hugs on the motherless boy than he'd ever received. Finally the stream subsided and Vin turned to find a half refinished pew to sit down on. Chris stood by him a moment to make sure he was settled okay, then went to get them both something to drink. Ezra took that moment to approach Vin.

"Mr. Tanner, that tie looks about as ready to strangle you as mine does..." With that, Ezra pulled off his own string tie and held out his hand for Vin's.

"Thanks Ezra." he said, tugging it off and handing it over. "Sorry about your duds though, they didn't stay all clean like they started."

"I assure you Mr. Tanner - that is the furthest thing from my mind...I hope, Vin, that this service was all that it needed to be for you...?"

The time had come for Vin to thank Ezra and there were still no words. He'd try though - but as he intended to speak, Chris returned, awkwardly managing three cups of coffee. He handed the first to Vin, the second to Ezra. As Ezra took it, Chris said: "This was right nice Ezra. You done good."

Ezra smiled, positively beamed, at the unexpected compliment.

"Why Mr. Larabee, as if you ever had a doubt." Chris smiled, nodded to Vin, then walked over to Mary and Billy. Ezra watched him go, then sat down on the pew next to Vin.

"He's right Ezra. This was real nice. I don't know why y'done for me but I'm right glad you did." That came close, but Vin still didn't feel he'd thanked Ezra properly.

Ezra looked at Vin, the same look of astonishment on his face as when Vin had asked for his help that first night at 2am. Then he broke into a smile. "I'm glad I did too."

"Hey boys..." Buck came over and sat down on the other side of Vin.

"Y'all better now?" Vin asked, nodding to the bandage wrapped firmly around his elbow.

"Aww, I've cut myself worse shaving...this was a real nice turnout." He gave Vin a gentle shove with his bad elbow. "Bet you never thought you had so many friends, hunh?"

Vin shook his head. "Nope, never did."

When the gathering began to break up a couple of hours later, Vin again stood on his sore feet to do his best to thank them all for coming, get hugged again by all the ladies, and shake hands till his hand hurt. Finally the church was empty, except for the Seven. He felt he should thank them all while he had the chance - and the nerve.

"Fellas?" His voice was stronger than he thought it would be. He had their attention, they moved closer to him. "I just wanted to say thanks to y'all, for all that you done for me. Y'all have stood by me, not just - not just today, but today 'special. And 'specially Ezra."

Ezra was honestly surprised to be singled out.

"I been tryin' to remember something my Ma told me, something about the Lord gets tired of folks asking him for apples, when he wants to give them orchards." Vin about lost his nerve to go on. "This - Ezra..." he indicated the Bible. "...was my apple. This..." he gestured around the church. "...was an orchard..." Vin suddenly seemed embarrassed by his declaration. He looked down and his voice lost strength. "I just wanted you to know that."

Declaring that Vin had received enough hugs, he ought to give some away, Buck was the first to step forward and get Vin in a bear hug before he could pull away. The rest of them followed, except Chris who was next to last and put his arm around Vin's shoulders for a solid, one-armed hug. That left Ezra, who was as embarrassed as Vin. He approached Vin slowly and offered his hand.

"My pleasure Mr. Tanner."

Much to everyone's surprise, Vin reached out and hugged Ezra. Finally, he felt he'd thanked him properly.

M7*M7*M7

The sun had just set when Ezra unlocked the door to his room and let Vin in to change his clothes. Vin was tired, he moved slowly, pulling off the jacket, unbuttoning the shirt. Even the painful boots came off slowly.

Ezra watched him, as he changed his own shirt and jacket. This was the most time the two of them had spent together, without the benefit of chasing some well-armed, desperate, disgusting outlaw through an endless wasteland. This was the closest Ezra had felt to any of them since they first threw their lots together. Vin was a good man, and worth having as a friend.

"Mr. Tanner, I wonder if I might request a favor of you?"

"Sure Ezra, anything." Vin answered quickly, grateful to have an opportunity so soon to repay Ezra for his kindness.

"I wonder if I might persuade you to spend your evening here, tonight?. There is something very valuable to me in this room, and as I will be spending the rest of this evening, and the small hours of the morning, attempting to advance my fortunes, I would feel much better if I knew you were here, taking care of it for me."

"Sure Ezra, anything. I'd be glad to."

"Thank you Vin. I don't expect to be back before dawn, so do make yourself comfortable."

"...'kay."

Ezra went down to the saloon, and as Vin blew out the lamps and laid down on top of the quilts to sleep, he wondered what Ezra could possibly have in his room that he worried so much about.

"Seems like the only thing I'm takin' care of is myself." Vin thought. It took only a few seconds for the realization to sink into his tired brain, just as he was about to fall asleep.

"_Ezra_..." Vin sighed and shook his head.

The End


End file.
